You said,

The impact of words.
The impact of my words.

I never knew they carried such weight only until recently.

"I think it should be straight, not turn right"
and we ended up lost and in the wrong directions.
"Okay, we should make a U-turn, go up the flyover, make a left and then turn left where we were supposed to go right."
and we were back on track. Of course if I hadn't said straight and let her trust her own instincts in the first place, my mother wouldn't have been so flustered, agitated, hard-pressed for time. It wouldn't have tipped the near-full bottle of pent up negative emotions read to spill over inside her.

"Aiyo, why do you always stay at your girlfriend's house orh?"
Even though said in a light-hearted and joking manner, caused a breakup. I feel partially responsible that my brother is now single because what I said prompted his decision to stay home that fateful Monday night which led to a quarrel and caused the break.
(Well I mean of course I find it absolutely ridiculous that a girlfriend should want to pick a fight and call for a break over a family man wanting to stay home to be with his family which I think she should find attractive and a good trait for her future. I mean seriously if you really wanted to spend the time with him you could have come and slept in our home instead. As it already was, my brother was spending more time with your family than he was with his own probably because of your neediness. phew ok end of random rant)

Of course there are so many other instances which may be more or less important/significant than the 2 above, but what I'm trying to say (or maybe more of remind myself) is to be careful of our words. I mean, even the slightest thing can have the largest of impacts. Of course, given that I have now chosen to be more careful with the words that escape my mouth, and I am going to somewhat clam up, I need an avenue to let my thoughts out so here I am, dealing with more words, blogging.

So maybe here's some advice : If you happen to be around sensitive people, or even if you are around people whom you feel your words may not carry so much weight or have much of an affect, you may be wrong. I'm not saying we always have to think so hard before we speak because that would be absurdly tiring and in any case, tact should prevail as much as common sense should, but maybe just being a little bit more careful would serve you well!
(ok more like advice to myself)

This year.
How do I sum up this year?
I can only say that one thing stands out to me the most.
I have changed.

Change how?

Maybe... I've matured.
Enough to realize the full impact of the obstacles ahead of me and the obstacles that WERE ahead of me. I've matured enough to start worrying about many things I didn't expect to worry about at the start of the year. I now even realize the seriousness of the decisions I have to make, and have come to know that the choices I have to make have deadlines. There's a time limit to everything and THIS... although it may sound silly...I've never truly understood until now. And truthfully, I'd rather not mature but it's for the better, since now I'm less oblivious and delusional. There's so much more to my life than what I thought there was.

But then again, maybe I've grown more childish.
This is true with respect to the way I view people. Entering JC (I'm not saying that this applies to all JC students, but it is definitely the case for me and almost unanimously agreed upon by my friends), I've become more...(I am truly embarrassed and disappointed) judgmental. I could not comprehend why people judge last time, but now, I realize that it's actually the same for the people whom we judge for judging. They themselves, don't know why they judge but it just happens. Perhaps it comes with age and the insecurities that follow and reveal themselves as we grow. But I feel like a child when I jump to conclusions about people because I think that at the age I'm at, I should be approaching people and situations with a more mature mind. Totally not true now though.

I've become colder, more reserved, and perhaps zombie-like.
It seems that I clam up more nowadays, not knowing how to carry on conversations and feeling like a fish out of water in so many situations. I smile less and when I do it is with less sincerity and less genuinely. I "stone" so much more often but my mind refuses to go blank when I will it to. I'm becoming more and more reclusive each day.

Although the high points of the year do not consummate to the low ones, that doesn't mean it did not exist (:
There's family.
I've recently patched up with my brother and the relationship between us is slowly healing and I'm so happy about it.
And then there's friends.
2013 showed me who I can rely on and turn to. (thank you xiaoyun for staying true and being there)
Dancers never failed to make my day brighter. Friends, clique, dancemates, we were all there to help each other pull through promos and other difficulties.
And then there's God.
This year, I returned to church. I never stopped believing in Him but my dedication and commitment did die down. Recently though, I've made up my mind to stop being a lukewarm Christian and to slowly serve God more, and with a more sincere heart. So I started going to church again with mum. And although time may not permit, I'll try to join in more church activities and groups in the future. I'm really relying in him to give me strength to push through the difficulties I can already see lying ahead of me and to help me have a more positive outlook. <3 p="">

For 2014, I'm not going to make a resolution. But I am going to motivate myself. I am going to see things from a positive perspective and to do things with more discipline and inspiration. Whether for academics, public performance or personal obstacles, I can and will do my best. Next year will be a fulfilling one. At the end of the year, I want to be able to say, I've overcome my hardships and I've become a better, stronger person.

She makes it sound as though it was wrong for me to not have a clear idea of what I wanted to do or become in the future. It's as though it was wrong for me to fear taking the wrong path and wanting to be doubly sure that I had the passion and was definite about the decision of studying medicine. At the age of 16, perhaps many unknown to me were sure of what they wanted, but that was not my case. I was scared. HOW then am I supposed to apply for scholarships for something I don't even know I want?
Yes, maybe it's true. Whether I want it or not I should apply first and reject it later if I don't want it.
So now it's my fault. Why didn't I apply when I had gotten O level results? Why didn't I make up my mind earlier in the year before the deadline? Why this why that. We are fretting over all this because of one effing reason. We have no money to afford me a high education. Absolutely none.
I know this sounds like I am not taking responsibility FOR my education but it's not like she'll let me work to earn and save some would she? It's not like I, the teenager, has a responsibility for the money needed to achieve an education. THEY, are responsible TO it. I have done everything I am possibly responsible FOR my education. I've studied hard, I've achieved results, I've participated in activities. The ONLY thing I didn't do was apparently making up my mind earlier. Wow, great job tiff what a bigass mistake you did there. totally unforgivable for your age. totally.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm alone in this world with nobody to understand me and nowhere to vent my frustration. I'm alone, the girl who tries to please all but is not accountable to herself. I know my life is better than most. But there are many things I need to say but I can't. I need to let it but that would be washing dirty linen in public. I need strength but am without a pillar. All this pent up frustration bottled in this small frame, will one day explode. or implode. It's no wonder I've changed, becoming one who is easy to anger. cold. reclusive.
no I'm not making excuses for myself.

We're actually going to have a public performance next year, a DANCE performance.
And I'm just totally feeling conflicted about it!

Of course I'm excited to be part of a production, part of something big.

But the thing is I've always doubted my dance abilities and never truly regarded myself as a dancer. I never had the basic foundation because my mum never believed in sending me for ballet lessons. I don't have the physical strength a dancer needs. What if Ms Yong thinks I don't deserve big roles. What if I get only a few minutes on stage. What if I shouldn't even be in dance.

Okay but despite all these doubts, I will not back down. NO. it'll be gruelling next year but I'm sure I have the mental strength to persevere.

SO Y'ALL BETTER COME AND WATCH ME OK. I'LL PROVE THAT IM A DANCER THAT MERELY STARTED OFF WAY LATER, BUT NOT TOO LATE.

I just felt the need to say this...but

I THINK HANNAH CHUA IS SO PRETTY AND I LOVE HER DRESSING SENSE SO FREAKING MUCH. I'm ALMOST jealous. OKAY. HANNAH IF U READ THIS, HI I THINK UR SO PRETTY AND I LIKE UR CLOTHES.

okay, got it out.